Mourning Doves

As some of you know I have lost both my brother and my Mother in the past year. With those losses also came the forced loss of my beloved home through a pesticide/herbicide poisoning. With that came the collapse of my health. I can no longer be with people who wear perfume or hairspray or cologne. I am covered in rashes and I have been diagnosed with Ulcerated colitis. There have also been losses of friends. In death and indifference. All in all it has been a refining year, one that showed me clearly my weaknesses and fears. I have come close to the edge of myself, that place of "Where the wild things are." I have felt as wild as the wind on the desolate prairie where I now live...in an RV...without tree's. My emotions have become supersized. My faith has swayed and dropped and fallen into a crack. I have set my gaze to return to that faith time and time again. Without much change in..well anything but that is the very definition of faith I guess. The substance of things hoped for, not seen. Seeing something doesn't take faith, peering through tear stained and pain wracked eyes does. I also lost to cancer one of my dearest friends Tom and now another, beloved Elizabeth has months to live. I stagger with the load and when well meaning people say "Just give it to Jesus" I don't feel very Christian. It's this place of bewilderment, this wandering in the wilderness both literally and metaphorically that I am writing this. To share the meaning of suffering for me and to encourage you in yours. To feel crazy can be very normal during times of intense stress. To grow numb as Novocaine or understand the meaning of "postal" is also normal I am told. Pain brings anger. It is just the facts. Anger at circumstances we cannot control, anger at indifference or judgment from others who HAVE NO CLUE. It's the journey of loss and pain.
So this morning while fighting wind that threatens to flatten my 92 pounds of pain I was momentarily thankful to see two pair of mourning doves come to the feeders that I have hung up to nourish them. Those doves brought me a moment of grace. God used doves to bring peace in the bible. I am praying those visitors with the gentle voice and the black ring around their necks are bringing me a message of peace. To a dry and weary land. I am choosing to believe it is so. It is all I have this day among the pain, a choice. To keep the faith, and keep on keepin on. You too ok? Let's walk it out together.